TW: While I do not go into detail, I mention DV throughout
If you have been following me long enough, you may recall #PilotingPostdevelopment1, the capacity-building program I developed before moving to – and then worked on while living in – Ghana.
One of the biggest lessons I learned during this time was the impact an abusive relationship can have on your goals & dreams.
That is right! After months of planning and preparing, I moved to Ghana to live with the armpit man. My decision to move was deeply rooted in the fact that I longed to live there; not to mention that even if we decided to leave after some time (something I was flexible about, willing to see where life would take us), Canada’s immigration system is rooted in the country’s colonial legacies and so for a Ghanaian with SHS education and no desire to further his education, this would be ideal, at least for the time being.
Well. Even if we skip the red flags I did not see, the armpit man became abusive incredibly quickly. I am not ready to go into detail here, but suffice it to say that Ghanaians all around me expressed how they pitied me; something that speaks loads to what I was going through, as the assumption is that white people will always have the best lives possible. Especially those who come live in Ghana with a Ghanaian partner; the assumption is that they will lift up their partners and loved ones. Except in my case, he took advantage of my anti-oppression values, my desire to never use my privilege to harm others, and used that to harm me, knowing I would not return the favour, so-to-speak.
After leaving him, I moved to another part of the country. As mentioned above, I already longed to live in Ghana; the armpit man was merely a bonus, so I was not ready to leave, just because of *some guy*, as one of my friends put it. I found a job managing a beach resort2 and even began dating someone else – being in a vulnerable state, I was taken in by being treated in a far more respectful way and actually being courted for once.
When this woman decided that I was a dishonest, disrespectful, lazy thief and later, a promiscuous, alcoholic junkie, she fired me, giving me the contact information for her spiritual guru, who runs religious retreats. Even my Christian friends were telling me not to go. Being agnostic, I obviously had no intention to go to these retreats; not to mention that everything she accused me of being was untrue. The fact is, I was dealing with Post-Traumatic Stress, except not a person around me would have understood, let alone noticed. Had I been in Canada, STILL few would have understood, but much less in Ghana.
Soon learning I was pregnant and also that my grandfather was refusing treatment for his recent lung cancer diagnosis, I decided to move back to Canada, though I was in no way ready to do so.
Since, I have been trying to heal. Trying, because support is limited. As soon as I returned, I began my research to find a doctor to follow me through my pregnancy, as I had long lost my own family doctor. When I went to the CLSC (community health resource in Quebec) for my first round of blood tests, I decided it was a great opportunity to ask the social worker how they can help me with my next steps, in relation to my experience of domestic violence (DV). It was essential for me to do as much of the work as possible before giving birth; I wanted to limit the impact of my experience of trauma on my child.
The social worker referred me to a women’s shelter and I was followed by one of their therapists through the last half-ish of my pregnancy. She was not terrible, though she did surprise me when she said I had given up my power to the armpit man. Immediately, I had a flash of telling him to STOP and getting hit in response. Every. Single. Time. If I gave him my power, how come it was beaten out of me? And yet since she was the expert, I accepted what she told me.
If you are in or have ever been in an abusive relationship and anyone ever tells you that you are giving away your power, please know they are WRONG!!
Every therapist and violence specialist with whom I have shared this story has been incredibly angry at the fact that someone whose job it was to support survivors of DV told me this. Not to mention that when she said so, I was but months out of the relationship and this immediately allowed me to gaslight myself, despite knowing deep down that she was wrong; I remember the conflict coming up whenever I thought about this, until I finally told another therapist.
If you are ever told something of this sort by someone who should be supporting you in your healing, please report them to their superiors & if they do not have any, then to the regulating body for their work. It is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE for anyone to make this kind of claim.
The aforementioned social worker at the CLSC also added me to their social worker waiting list. After nearly a years wait, I was paired with an intern in social work. During our 10 or so meetings, I experienced gaslighting, invalidation and have yet to pinpoint how she supported me.
If you ask me, interns should only be placed with someone who needs support with trauma, if they are interning TO WORK WITH trauma. Don’t get me wrong, everyone needs experience, but generalist interns to any modality of therapy should be working with those who do not need specialized care/support. It boggles my mind that mental health care practitioners are not required to have yearly trauma-awareness trainings in this province. At the very least, that those requiring support for dealing with trauma are not actively paired with someone who has experience working with survivors of trauma.
No. In Quebec, you wait a year to be seen and then get paired with the least appropriate person available. It is probably whomever is available and who is therefore not appropriate, since most are not specialized, yet it feels like I have yet to get the appropriate pairing for my care. Maybe. In the future, I will be posting about the therapist I am currently paired with, having been paired after drafting this post. I am still unsure how I feel about her, wanting to be hopeful, but also resistant, due to all the times I have been burned, so-to-speak.
It did not take me long to get back on the waiting list – I may have even asked to be put back on at my last appointment. I was then paired with a fully qualified generalist social worker, my last meeting by phone, as everything had shut down that weekend for that first wave of the pandemic. Again, I did not feel she had really helped me in the ways I needed, but feeling jaded about the support I was receiving, I did not get back on the waitlist for a while.
When I finally did, I was finally put on the waiting list to see a psychologist, with another year wait3. In fact, I got pushed up, because I called to ask where I was on the list and found out that I should already have been called. As I had multiple mental health concerns, I brought them all up. The psychologist decided to not screen for everything, since we had limited time and she wanted to be able to help me. Great! However, when I asked about cPTSD and other trauma diagnoses, she had no idea what I was talking about, as we use the DSM-5 in Quebec4, which does not recognize complex trauma diagnoses. Not to mention that she had done ONE trauma training; a training that she kept mentioning through the 6 months she followed me. Yet again, our time together was not beneficial for me.
Those two social workers and the psychologist, I saw through the CLSC. During that time, right before the second social worker, I saw a therapist through a local sliding scale service for a few months, after my father had a stroke landing him in long-term care. The woman kept arguing with me about certain things, invalidating me, gaslighting me, etc. She was a terrible fit for me. In fact, I am not sure she should be providing therapy services; I am now realizing that I should probably report her to the organization, so they can look into it and so I have added it to my already overwhelming list of things to do.
In April 2020, a few weeks after the second therapist, I began a 2 year relationship with an online therapist. This was a great therapist at that time and I stopped seeing her when I started seeing the psychologist – though I had been feeling disenchanted by her for a few months at that point, due to an unprofessional comment she made5. While I was seeing her, I was able to attend the Carrefour Pour Elle support group, as well as their other support group for moms, called Pacifix, soon after finishing with the psychologist. Those were immensely helpful, though I have yet to finish the workbooks and intend to do so. Comment below if you would be interested in my letting you know when I finally post my draft about the first workbook6!
All of that support I have received for my healing and yet, while I am no longer in crisis, I am still struggling immensely! How can I find the right fit in a therapist, when I cannot afford to pay private, as I am still struggling with my day-to-day, let alone being the mother I want to be and career advancement?
This province is failing me. We may have “universal healthcare,” but this is Quebec and universal does not include trauma-informed mental health care, even after experiencing any form of trauma, such as my experience of DV. If you are working in Quebec’s mental health care system and can shed light on this, please do in a comment below or by contacting me!
This is why I have taken my healing into my own hands. I am not finding what I need, so hopefully I can find it, or else create it for myself! Unless I am lucky and have finally been paired with an adequate therapist for my needs. But I will only truly know that afterwards, as I often felt positive about those helping me, only to later realize they did not help me move in the direction I need!
As always, it is important for me to let you know that
while the next steps of my journey and the current focus of my blog are on trauma and healing,
I AM NOT A THERAPIST, PSYCHOLOGIST, OR ANYTHING OF THE SORT!
My posts are NOT meant to give advice, but to share my experience. If my story can help you avoid the hurdles I have come across, then great!
That said, if you are in need of support, please do reach out to me and I will do my best to help you find appropriate resources in your area. As far as I am concerned, it is unacceptable for anyone to suffer.
I am so happy you are here and would love to hear from you!
- Would you be interested in my letting you know when I finally post my draft about the first workbook? What kind of information would you be interested in?7
- Are you working in Quebec’s mental health care system and can shed light on the lack of trauma informed practice? Please share in a comment below or by contacting me, directly!
- Have you had a similar experience of not getting the support you needed? How did that feel? Maybe you were fortunate and got exactly what you needed early on and have tips for the rest of us?
- What is one step you have taken recently to progress along your own personal journey, however small?
- I have since taken down those pages, but if you are interested, please comment and I will gladly write about it further! ↩︎
- I will not promote it, as the owner was not much better than the armpit man – something I found shocking, knowing she had lived in the Canadian Prairies for 30 years, owning 3 businesses there; I guess she was not the one to manage staff ↩︎
- The nurse who had done my initial interview for this particular waiting list did not feel I needed the so-called specialized care. Yet, when I received a call from the social worker who makes the final decision, she completely agreed with my frustration about this. An important reminder that gatekeepers are not those actually providing the care and often get it wrong. So if you disagree with their decision, contest it and/or try again! Of course this is fucking hard to do when you are struggling, which makes their decisions that much more harmful, in these types of situations! ↩︎
- I would argue that we should instead be using the ICD-11, which appears to be more comprehensive, at least for trauma diagnoses : https://icd.who.int/en ↩︎
- I don’t do the Santa thing and my kiddo’s daycare teacher gave me not one, but TWO interventions about it. Shocked that she doubled down after the first email (yes, these interventions were by email), I eventually mentioned it to the therapist. Except her reaction was just as shocking; she made a big deal about how if my kid had told her kid there was no Santa, she would be *miffed*. Yet, the vast majority of people have been quite supportive about this decision. One I didn’t feel needed anyone’s support. ↩︎
- I am still trying to decide how I want to do it, as I want to respect the amount of work that was put into making the book, but also want to share readily accessible information in a streamlined way …if you have tips, I sure would love them! ↩︎
- Please note that I can not and will not share anything that the others shared, as it is not my place to do so ↩︎
Obibini Bruni 